( This blog is my journal too, not all my personal stuff, but some stuff other then Rylee. No need to read this its mostly for me.)
I don't really know where to start with this. Right now I am going on 4 hours of sleep for the past 2 1/2 days and even if I wanted to I couldnt go to sleep right now... believe me I have tried! There is so much to say and so much to remember and so much to be grateful for.
A little over a month ago my Grandma Darling got really sick. She went to bed fine and then woke up the next day and couldn't move. I wont go into details. Pretty much she was in the hospital for a couple weeks, and when she wasn't really improving they told her she could come home with some hospice care. I have had the opportunity to be able to take care of her a lot while she has been home. The first week she was home she was doing pretty good. She could get up with some help, and could walk into the kitchen and a little around the house. We had a great few days together. We talked a lot, looked at the ads in the paper together, ate lunch together, laughed at old times, and I even got her to play Old maid with me... our favorite game since I was a kid. Then on Friday she got really sick, and went down hill really fast. She no longer could get out of bed, and there have been days when she just cant seem to figure things out. Even though it has been hard to see her in pain and be uncomfortable I wouldn't trade taking care of her for anything. My Grandma has been more then a grandma to me. She has been like a second parent and a close friend! We have been lucky enough to grow up really close to both my grandma and grandpa. I spent most of my time with grandma.... shopping, going out to eat, just hanging out with her, and the occasional sleep over. When I moved to New York leaving her and my grandpa was the hardest thing to do, and when I came home to visit I always went straight down to see them first. I can honestly say that in all my 29 years there is not one thing I regret or wish I would have done differently in our relationship. I have always stayed very close to grandma and have made it a point to not go a week without stopping in or calling her. Yesterday the hospice nurse said it was time to talk to her about dying. My mom was the lucky one to do that. She sat down with her and had a really good talk about how she wasn't going to get better and that it was okay to leave. They talked about what was keeping her here, and what grandma wanted done before she left. This morning when I got to grandmas house she was telling my mom that my grandpa came and got her last night and they went dancing. Something they used to love to do together. She said they had so much fun, and she was ready to go be with grandpa. Today has been the hardest day for me that I have ever had. I have never lost someone this close to me. Someone who I have looked up to and loved since I can remember. Someone who I just thought would never die cause life without them just seemed strange. I had a couple long talks with grandma today. She told me to keep doing what I'm doing cause I'm doing a good job. She told me she loved me so much and then started crying. My grandma doesn't cry, she doesn't really show emotion. To see her lip shiver and tears fall down her face broke my heart. She said she was going to miss me, but she would watch over me. I hugged her and kissed her and cried with her a lot to do. I held her hand while we both sat in silence. I love her so much and I'm going to miss her so much. The doctors said she will probably only make it through the weekend. I don't want to see her suffer, and I know its the best thing to let her go, but oh am I going to miss her!!! She called me in to give me a locket tonight with pictures of her and my grandpa in it. She asked me if there was anything else I wanted, and while last week I could have named twenty things, today I couldn't think of one. None of that mattered anymore. It didn't matter who was getting her dishes or her pictures or who inherits what. All that mattered was that she knew I loved her and that she was the best grandma I could have ever asked for. All that matter was that we were there with her making her comfortable and she had family by her side. My uncle, 2 brothers, and Chasey gave her a blessing tonight. I am so grateful for the Priesthood and for the Gospel. I hate that Rylee wont remember her. I told grandma that today and she said be sure to show her pictures of me so she will know who I am. All my kids will know who she is cause she was the most important person to me!
